Don't network angry!

Some strong words from Juniper Networks on the intended audience for their JunOS "Class of Service Configuration Guide:"

JunOS "Class of Service Configuration Guide," release 8.0, page xviii

I admit it--as a tempestuous young buck managing the corporate WAN, I would drop packets just to watch them fall.

Ever operated network equipment in a "hostile manner?"  Really?

If it ain't broke, what are you waiting for?

Most adages have a converse. "Birds of a feather flock together," while, "Opposites attract."

Today we take issue with, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

The counter-intuitive approach is to break things all the time. I recommend this. Start breaking things or stay in bed until the sheets curl. But here's the trick--constantly break LITTLE things, and enjoy tractable, manageable surroundings. The alternative? Wait for great big things to break themselves. Wait for spontaneous nuclear concussions that level the landscape. Perhaps I should explain.

Passivity seduces. Leave well enough alone. In technology terms, if it's running, don't touch it. Don't patch it, reboot it, upgrade it, replace it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

But this sort of stability is an illusion. A router or server with an uptime of 713 days is not a steadfast pillar; it's a lit wick. 713 days? Did we forget about it? Do we not love it anymore? No patch or minor code revision for its birthday?

Windows XP and Internet Explorer 6 running fine?  It may appear so, but that platform encumbrance incurs massive infrastructure debt.  And sooner or later, the piper always demands his wages.

A January 27th TechRepublic article, "Avoid getting buried in technical debt," references debt as it applies to software development, a concept introduced by Ward Cunningham in 1992. We can consider  "Infrastructure Debt" a useful abstract for emphasizing the cost of deferred action, whether it's a lack of documentation, rushed work, or sidestepped upgrades.

Too often we confuse stagnancy for stability. That apparent uptime costs plenty, and once we become cognizant of those costs, we'll realize that "a stitch in time saves nine."  

Time to break something.  We'll discuss the details in the coming days.

IBM's Watson, Artificial Intelligence without the Beak

IBM built a computer named Watson to play Jeopardy, and in a trial run Watson beat a pair of Jeopardy champions.  Why would IBM do this?  You might think, as I did, that IBM is in it for the money, given that top Jeopardy champions can bring home over $3 million.  Build a "Wheel of Fortune" and "Price is Right" computer and IBM could dominate the game show circuit, perhaps raking in enough money to stop laying people off.


But no, IBM built Watson to achieve breakthroughs in Computer Intelligence and Language Skills.  While machines have been thrashing us at chess for years, the field of Computer Intelligence has been stagnant, with few advances beyond Honda's Asimo robot and Tiger Electronic's Furby.  In 2008, some placed faith in an undefeated air hockey robot, but air hockey enthusiasts soon criticized the robot's "sissy, goal-parked" style of play as little more than artificial cowardice.  WIth Furby sales falling down the charts and Asimo falling down the stairs, the province of game shows, long considered the Holy Grail of Computer Intelligence, seemed forever beyond reach.

Enter Watson, the Great Blue Hope.  Sincere people, many with beards, spent years building a massive computer system that would master the language of Jeopardy. While Watson spent most of his early months muttering email addresses and posting on FaceBook, the breakthrough "pun algorithm" had Watson making unprecedented linguistic strides:

Watson - This type of tea has noodles in it.

IBM researcher -  I give up.

Watson - What is spaghetti?

IBM researcher - Wow!

Watson - This is why the firemen ignored the burning dentist office.

IBM researcher - Why?

Watson - What is, they thought it was a drill.

IBM researcher - Please stop.

Soon Watson's comprehension skills were drawing awed gazes toward IBM, the Geppetto of Silicon.

Watson - What is "I'm a real boy!"

IBM envisions Watson triggering industry transformations and helping doctors diagnose illnesses.  Industry experts, however, suggest the most likely use for this new technology will be improving answering machine services:

TODAY

Human - Hi, can I talk to someone in the customer service departme--

Machine - Thank you for calling. Please listen carefully to the following seventy-seven options, as our menu has recently changed.

Human - 0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Machine - For Pool Hygiene Administration, press 001...

Human -  *click*

BRIGHT FUTURE 

Human - Hi. Customer service department, please.

Watson - ???

Human - Customer. Service.

Watson - ???

Human - This department is staffed by countless telephone-tethered employees I'm about to swear at.

Watson - What is Customer Service?

Human - Exactly.

We can hardly wait.  The only loser here is, of course, Tiger Electronics.  If only they had given Furby a smartphone with Internet access when he asked for it, the little guy could have ruled Jeopardy years ago.


What do you think of Watson? Breakthrough or Jeopardy gimmick?

Computer Pain Scale

Inspired by the little chart they give you at the hospital, I present the Computer Pain Scale, a handy device for determining the severity of someone's computer problems.

(click image for full size)

If you use this I'd love to hear about it.

Suggested email footers

A few humble options for closing your next email, ready for copying-and-pasting pleasure:

This email contains PRIVILEGED and CONFIDENTIAL information. If you are not the intended recipient, any Disclosure, Action, or Dissemination is PROHIBITED, and you must DELETE this email, FORMAT your hard drive, BURN your printer, and POKE your eyes with NEEDLES, after which you must DRINK toxic levels of VODKA until you forget what you have seen here. Who knew our little email screw-up could so catastrophically ENCUMBER and OBLIGATE you? Our LAWYERS, that's who.

------------------
Sent from my full-sized keyboard, not my smartphone. I have no excuse for all these comical typos.
------------------

"What man does not here place a sagacious quote, an author's affectation as antidote to the fatuous twaddle typed above?" --Hullifer Gimlet

***Antivirus engine v2.001.733701*** This email scanned for viruses by a self-promoting anti-virus program, or perhaps a virus created this footer. Who can say? Why not click the link? www.ShamelessAV.com

Like bath paper streaming behind your shoe, your free email provider tags your every outgoing message. We could advertise high fructose corn syrup here, and you wouldn't even know it! www.yippieyahoo!.com


How about you?  Do you have a favorite email footer that adds flavor to your messages?

The end of Digital Cool

Discovered in my basement--an 80s order form for video gaming merchandise; a scan of the front is below.

With video games now a mainstream form of entertainment, it's easy to forget that early gamers were rebels, genuine outcasts.

Anyone wearing these clothes and accessories in the 80s was a true dissident, a free-thinker, the fullest expression of self in a world that scorned and ostracized the gamer.

Look upon these garments, you the young, you the adolescent, and weep. The ladders have been tipped, the giants scattered, the bar lowered until it rests on the surface. These heroes, this digitized brotherhood--how now will you ever walk among them?

(click for full-size)

A new model of Responsibility Assignment Matrix: BSAD

Those familiar with project management will recognize the RACI model, a means of assigning roles and responsibilities to people on a project. RACI stands for:

• Responsible
• Accountable
• Consulted
• Informed

Several RACI variations have cropped up, because of critical semantic differences between, say, the letter A being "Accountable" or "Assist," leading to hours of productive bickering, followed by snarky Gantt charts. In that spirit, we present a new accountability matrix, BSAD:

• Blamed - The lamentable sod standing wide-eyed and alone at ground zero as the project clears the bay doors and hurtles earthward. The career of the Blamed is subsequently identifiable only through DNA analysis.
• Screwed - Not responsible for the project outcome, the Screwed are yet implicated through the contribution of tasks and activities. The project's magnitude determines whether the Screwed should dust themselves off and walk away or simply lie motionless on the ground for some while.
• Appeased - The Appeased's input is solicited for the sake of ego soothing or political necessity, and then quietly discarded. The Appeased contribute primarily gossip and reside safely outside the project blast radius.
• Deceived - People allowed no input but receiving regular status propaganda. The Deceived are typically disinterested or amused by the proceedings.

Use BSAD at your next kickoff meeting and the fate of your project is virtually sealed!